Grief-Share
“Would anyone like to share their story?” asked the facilitator at the grief-share I attended last night.
This was my first grief-share since my wife died April 17.
The long-time attendees had already shared their stories. Now it was time for us novitiates.
I’ve always been a take-charge kind of guy.
So off I went, charging into the unknown.
If I didn’t do this, we might be hemming and hawing for hours.
I’m reminded of two things:
—1) Long ago I was on a trial-jury regarding an auto accident. We were to decide who was at fault and damages.
We finally had the case, after hours of strange testimony and lawyer posturing.
So there we were in the jury-room, and nothing was happening.
Even though I wasn’t the jury-foreman, I finally said “We have to come to a decision, so here are my two cents: ‘yada-yada-yada-yada.’”
With that we were off the dime. (Home looked attainable.)
—2) After my stroke I was in a traumatic-brain-injury (TBI) rehab group.
Others who had motorcycle accidents were in the group, plus kids hit over the head with cast-iron pipes.
The leader of the group suggested a pizza-party, hoping one of our group would call a pizza-shop and order.
Since no one else did it, I decided I would do it myself.
Me, a brain-addled stroke-survivor interfacing the real world of a pizza-shop.
I was messy, but someone had to do it, lest we molder in inaction.
So off I went at the grief-share.
“My beloved wife of 44 years died April 17,” I said through tears.
“I’m devastated and heartbroken.
She’s the best friend I ever had.
People tell me I’m doing wonderful, but I feel terrible.
And I swear if I ever hear the word ‘condolences’ again, I’m gonna smack the person that says it.
People offer condolences and walk away. They have no idea how bad I feel. They can’t compute! They can’t handle death.”
“Yeah right!” they all said.
If there’s any reason for my continuing this grief-share, it’s because people therein seem to know where I’m coming from.
Such a loss is hard for the average person to understand, but since we’re all party to it, we understand.
So does a grief-share actually cure grief?
Not really.
Whether this is healing or not I don’t know. A good friend tells me one never gets over such a loss. You just learn to live with it.
A young mother who had lost a son offered a comment from a book.
“I have just suffered a major brain-trauma. A loved-one died. Therefore my emotions are in control, and I may not make sense. I may start crying for no reason.”
• My wife died of cancer April 17, 2012. She was 68. I miss her dearly.
• I had a stroke October 26, 1993, from which I pretty much recovered. (A stroke is a traumatic-brain-injury. Mine was from a clot.)
This was my first grief-share since my wife died April 17.
The long-time attendees had already shared their stories. Now it was time for us novitiates.
I’ve always been a take-charge kind of guy.
So off I went, charging into the unknown.
If I didn’t do this, we might be hemming and hawing for hours.
I’m reminded of two things:
—1) Long ago I was on a trial-jury regarding an auto accident. We were to decide who was at fault and damages.
We finally had the case, after hours of strange testimony and lawyer posturing.
So there we were in the jury-room, and nothing was happening.
Even though I wasn’t the jury-foreman, I finally said “We have to come to a decision, so here are my two cents: ‘yada-yada-yada-yada.’”
With that we were off the dime. (Home looked attainable.)
—2) After my stroke I was in a traumatic-brain-injury (TBI) rehab group.
Others who had motorcycle accidents were in the group, plus kids hit over the head with cast-iron pipes.
The leader of the group suggested a pizza-party, hoping one of our group would call a pizza-shop and order.
Since no one else did it, I decided I would do it myself.
Me, a brain-addled stroke-survivor interfacing the real world of a pizza-shop.
I was messy, but someone had to do it, lest we molder in inaction.
So off I went at the grief-share.
“My beloved wife of 44 years died April 17,” I said through tears.
“I’m devastated and heartbroken.
She’s the best friend I ever had.
People tell me I’m doing wonderful, but I feel terrible.
And I swear if I ever hear the word ‘condolences’ again, I’m gonna smack the person that says it.
People offer condolences and walk away. They have no idea how bad I feel. They can’t compute! They can’t handle death.”
“Yeah right!” they all said.
If there’s any reason for my continuing this grief-share, it’s because people therein seem to know where I’m coming from.
Such a loss is hard for the average person to understand, but since we’re all party to it, we understand.
So does a grief-share actually cure grief?
Not really.
Whether this is healing or not I don’t know. A good friend tells me one never gets over such a loss. You just learn to live with it.
A young mother who had lost a son offered a comment from a book.
“I have just suffered a major brain-trauma. A loved-one died. Therefore my emotions are in control, and I may not make sense. I may start crying for no reason.”
• My wife died of cancer April 17, 2012. She was 68. I miss her dearly.
• I had a stroke October 26, 1993, from which I pretty much recovered. (A stroke is a traumatic-brain-injury. Mine was from a clot.)
Labels: grief-share
posted by BobbaLew at 6:24 PM
1 Comments:
Bob-
I am so happy you are coming to GriefShare and you returned this week for the second time. I am enjoying your blog. You are quite the writer--I like how you express yourself through the written word. I love how you are keeping the memory of your wife alive through this blog. DO NOT listen to those who say to get over it. You will never get over someone who was a part of your being for so long. Remember what we learned: no love, no grief. You are honoring her and I respect you for that, as well as respect you for your honesty.
deb
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