“Widower”

The Social Security Administration, in its infinite wisdom, has declared me a widower.
This entitles me to widower’s benefits, namely the difference between my wife’s Social Security and mine.
My wife’s Social Security was higher. As a widower I’m entitled to her higher amount.
I continue to get my own Social Security, plus the difference between mine and hers.
I get it as one credit, so in effect I’m switched to her Social Security.
I also get her pension. She set it up as 10-years-certain.
It goes on for 10 years since she started it about three years ago. I am the beneficiary.
I’ve always known I was a widower since my wife died.
But it’s always been in the background.
In fact, the first couple weeks I couldn’t assimilate it.
It was factually obvious. Her ashes were disbursed under our sugar-maple, a memorial sign had been placed by my niece, and I’ve been sleeping alone for over two months.
But I couldn’t assimilate it.
Now I guess I can, and I feel very alone.
We were married over 44 years, and I guess I was very attached.
It’s just me and our dog in an empty house.
It’s getting so it’s hard to get up in the morning.
People ask me how I’m doing, hoping I’ll say “fine.”
“Oh, muddling along,” I say.
I mow, I walk the dog, I work out at the YMCA, and I blog.
But all it is is mere existence.
It’s gotten so I don’t care about anything; things are falling a little behind.
I force myself to attend social events in a feeble attempt to distract myself.
It works somewhat — I don’t cry much — but I feel out-of-it.
Being a widower is dragging me down.

• My wife died of cancer April 17, 2012. She was 68. I miss her a lot.