“What a stone!”

I am in receipt of a giant survey — also a TV-diary.
About two weeks ago we got a dinnertime phonecall from someplace that wanted to do a telephone survey.
“It’ll just take a few seconds, Mr. Hughes.”
20 minutes; that’s 1,200 seconds.
I wrote that up earlier.
I was told I’d soon be receiving a follow-up snail-mail survey, and a TV-diary.
“TV-diary?” I asked.
“Yada-yada-yada-yada!”
“Well okay,” I said. Won’t amount to anything. All we watch is the news.
So now I’m filling out the follow-up survey.
“What kind of person is this guy?”
“No Mountain Dew, no NASCAR, no glomming of Cheetos, no Mickey-D.”
“Have you done anything at all over the past year?”
“Went to Horseshoe Curve a few times.”
“What’s that?”
“Greatest railfan spot I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to quite a few; even Californy.”
“No Disney-World, no Busch Gardens, no Buffalo Bills games?”
“Nope!”
“Not even Watkins Glen or the Cineplex?”
“Extreme Armageddon on the movie-screen?”
“Doncha watch golf on TV?”
“What could be more boring than watching golf?”
“The Tour-de-France,” Mrs. Hoyle would say at the mighty Mezz.
(Her husband’s a bicycle-freak.)
“Pedal-pedal-pedal-pedal. Are they done yet?”
“How about Extreme Home Mayhem when they blow up the house?”
“Nope,” I said; “nothing but news.”
“How about your Internet use? MSNBC or USA-Today?”
“All I do is argue with my all-knowing blowhard brother on our family’s web-site. He’s a tub-thumping conservative, and fervent Limberger wannabee. Also a pretend macho Harley-guy.”
“It’s very entertaining. I could say it keeps me sharp, but it’s way too easy. All I hafta do is show up.”
“No Wal*Mart, no Olde Navy, no Macy’s?”
“Do ya get any pleasure out of life at all?”
“Yeah; couple a’ Dash-9s wide-open climbing the mighty Curve, or steam-locomotive whistles echoing through the hollers at Cass.”
“So who are you voting for?”
“Oh, I don’t know....... Probably Obama, but only because McCain named that bimbo to be his running-mate. I’m not sure I’d want a president like that.”

“Mountain Dew, NASCAR, Cheetos, and MacDonalds” are all life-enhancing preferences of my all-knowing, blowhard brother-from-Boston, the macho ad-hominem king, who noisily badmouths everything I do or say.

Horseshoe Curve (the “mighty Curve”), west of Altoona, Pennsylvania, is by far the BEST railfan spot I have ever been to. Horseshoe Curve is a national historic site. It was a trick used by the Pennsylvania Railroad to get over the Allegheny mountains without steep grades. Horseshoe Curve was opened in 1854, and is still in use. (I am a railfan, and have been since I was a child.)

The “mighty Mezz” is the Canandaigua Daily-Messenger newspaper, from where I retired almost three years ago. Best job I ever had. Pam Hoyle was a display advertising coordinator there.

“Extreme Home Mayhem” is ABC-TV’s “Extreme Home Makeover.”

“Limberger” is Rush Limbaugh. I call him that because I think he stinks.

The “Dash-9” is a General-Electric freight diesel railroad-locomotive; around 4,000 or more horsepower.

“Cass” is a state park in Cass, WV; an old logging railroad preserved. It has around six steam-locomotives, but they are a special design. The standard side-rod locomotive would not work on the steep grades and rough track of logging railroads. Special designs (most often the “Shay,” named after its designer) used a drive-shaft to turn gears on the locomotive trucks — thus smoothing out the drive-forces. That driveshaft was turned by pistons — but it wasn’t the drive-pistons directly cranking the drive-wheels through side-rods; it was pistons cranking the driveshaft. A logging railroad locomotive rarely got above 20 mph — and they weren’t big enough, or powerful enough, for regular railroads.

“That bimbo” is Sarah Palin.