Two years

This is years ago. (Photo by Bobbalew.)

Today (Thursday, April 17th, 2014) is the two-year anniversary of my beloved wife’s death.
We were married over 44 years, and I miss her dearly.
My brother in northern Delaware, who knew a brother-in-law who lost his wife in a motorcycle accident, told me I’d be over my wife’s death in two years.
I don’t know as I’m “over it.” I don’t know as I’ll ever be.
But people tell me I’m not crying every minute, or starting conversations with my wife’s death.
As I was at first.
Looking back, I’d say the first year I was stunned. Things happened, but I don’t remember anything.
All I remember is my camera failed in Altoona chasing trains, and my lawnmower-engine needed repair just to make it startable.
I also remember getting snowed-in once.
It was like everything went wrong after my wife died, but my house didn’t burn down.
I attended a grief-share for a while. It was beneficial talking to people who understood.
But I tired of continually explaining my commitment to my dog.
So when a cohort wondered when we should stop attending, I decided to stop attending.
Furthermore, the reasons I was attending were not coming, so why should I?
I decided to switch to an alternative bereavement-group, but I wonder about that.
People tell me I’m better than I was at first, but I still feel like I’m not in the real world.
I also can start crying at the drop of a hat.
But two years have passed, and it all seems long ago.
Millions of things go wrong, and I have much more to do with my wife gone.
The person who makes the bed is me, the person who feeds my dog is me, the one who does laundry is me.
I still continue many of the traditions my wife started, but I allow my dog on the bed.
My wife would have never allowed that, but now it’s my house.
Much as I don’t want it to be.
And no matter how little motivation I have to do anything, I figure I owe that much to my dog. She no longer has two caretakers, only me.
My dog has adjusted, but not this kid.

• RE: “In Altoona chasing trains...” —I’m a railfan, and have been since age-2; I’m now 70. In Altoona, PA the Pennsylvania Railroad built up over Allegheny Mountain, the railroad has a lot of traffic, so I chase trains in the area. The railroad is now Norfolk Southern. I do an Internet calendar with the pictures I take.