Moan

The sprayhead on our Moen kitchen faucet is on the blink.
It frequently doesn’t shut off.
I can get it to shut off fiddling with it, after which we dare not use it for fear of it spraying our entire kitchen.
I took off the sprayhead and went to Mighty Lowes.
It’s a Moen part, so they didn’t have it.
I thereafter went to VP Supply at Winton Place near Rochester, the plumbing supplier that supplied all our plumbing fixtures when our house was built 20 years ago.
It’s more aimed at contractors, a wholesale shop.
I parked amidst all the gigantic white plumber vans; Chevrolet and Ford.
A guy was walking out with copper tubing.
Pot-bellied workmen were wielding battery-operated drills on the steel swinging door.
I stepped inside, and stood behind a grizzled contractor.
But he was waiting for someone else, perhaps the only skirt manning the counter.
“Can I help ya?” the counterman said.
“What’s that thing? I never saw anything like that.”
“A sprayhead,” I said; “Moen.”
“It’s a male end. I’m used to seeing female,” he said.
“I’ll go look in my detritus bin.” (He didn’t say “detritus.” I don’t remember what he called it.)
After about five minutes he returned.
“It’s part-number 104234, a ‘Protege’ sprayhead. I suggest you call Moen; they might send you one no charge.
Did you buy it at Lowes?”
“No, a plumber installed it,” I answered.
“Call Moen, and tell them ya got it from a plumber.”
I called Moen the other day (Friday, July 30, 2010); an 800 number.
“Thank you for calling Moen. Se hable Españole, tres.”
“Uh-ohhhh. Sounds like a machine,” I thought to myself.
“We value your call. Please listen to the following menu options.
If you’re a professional, please dial ‘one.’
If you’re a consumer (pity), dial ‘two.’”
I punched two.
“All customer-service representatives are busy. Please leave a call-back number. We’ll call back in 18 minutes.” (Stutter on 18.)
I punched in the call-back number and laid down to take a nap — I’ve had to take one ever since my stroke.
I left my cellphone on.
Finally “Ring-Ring;” but it was our landline. —I didn’t give them that number.
It was Q-Dental, wanting me to change an appointment-time.
I nearly tripped over the dog’s bed trying to answer the phone; you get four rings before it goes to voicemail.
Then “Ring-Ring;” my cellphone.
Woken from a sound sleep.
“Thank you for answering our call-back. Please hold.”
Well, they did call back in 18 minutes, as promised.
“Thank you for your patience. Please continue holding. Someone will be with you shortly.”
Minutes passed. Silence broken by a garbled version of “Stayin’ Alive.”
“Thank you for your patience. Please continue holding. Someone will be with you shortly.”
At least three times, with that chopped up “Stayin’ Alive” in the background.
Finally, “Your call may be monitored for training purposes.” (Another machine.)
Then, “Thank you for calling Moen. May I have your faucet model number?”
“I have no idea what that is.”
“I’m not sure I can help you without that model number.”
“The part I need is 104234.”
“That’s the Protege sprayhead sir. What’s wrong with that?
“It won’t shut off,” I said.
“Okay, look at your faucet. What do you see?”
“There’s a chrome cap on top with ‘Moen’ embossed on it.”
“Okay, remove that cap, and inside is the faucet model number.
I remove the cap. “I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for, but ‘100940.’”
“That’s it exactly sir.
Now, does your sprayhead hose attach with a threaded fitting or a snap fitting?”
I poke around under the kitchen sink, careful to not knock over the bleach or the Windex.
“Feels like a threaded fitting,” I said.
Hard to tell. It’s up behind the sink bowls, which are super-deep.
Not that it matters (I hope).
They’ll probably send everything, hose and sprayhead in two parts.
But I only need one part of the sprayhead, the part that doesn’t work.
I ain’t pokin’ around under that sink to install parts I don’t need.
Not unless I absolutely have to, in which case it gets farmed out to a plumber.

• “Mighty Lowes” is Lowes, the nationwide home-supply outlet. They have a large store in Canandaigua. (“Canandaigua” [“cannon-DAY-gwuh”] is a small city to the east nearby where we live in Western NY. The city is also within a rural town called “Canandaigua.” The name is Indian, and means “Chosen Spot.” —It’s about 15 miles away.)
• I had a stroke October 26, 1993.
• “Q-Dental” is the local dentist outfit we use; local to Rochester.
• Our current dog is “Scarlett;” a rescue Irish-Setter. She’s five, and is our sixth Irish-Setter. (A “rescue Irish Setter” is an Irish Setter rescued from a bad home; e.g. abusive or a puppy-mill. By getting a rescue-dog, we avoid puppydom, but the dog is often messed up. —Scarlett isn't too bad.)