Billing

The other day (Tuesday, April 27, 2010) my wife called billing at University of Rochester Medical Center to attempt to make sense of two items we received.
Were they bills or not?
One clearly was, but the other was a “statement,” their term.
My wife makes the phonecalls, because my ability to carry on a verbal conversation is somewhat compromised by my stroke.
That's not writing; that's speaking.
Writing still works fine.
Parrying a phonecall can be messy. I can do it, but things often go awry.
I used to get this at the Mighty Mezz calling Doc Abraham in Naples over some indiscernible hairball in his “Green Thumb” column.
Doc died a while ago; the Messenger no longer publishes “Green Thumb.”
Doc never knew I'd had a stroke, so was frustrated by my garbled telephone conversation.
A while ago a “statement” appeared, I paid it, and my payment got credited to another account.
Our figuring this out was after trying to make sense of the disappeared credit, which had been applied to another outstanding bill of ours.
Finally, after “We value your call” and “Please hold during the silence: BOOM-chicka-BOOM-chicka-BOOM-chicka-BOOM-chicka,” my wife got a real person.
It was concluded we were to pay both items, but we were to use the account number on the “statement” to assure proper credit.
The bill and the “statement” had different account numbers.
Yet both had “University of Rochester Medical Center” at the top.
In fact, the “statement” may have had both account numbers.
We both have college degrees.
“Their system is messy,” I calmly observed.
“Just pay everything you get, lest we blow you in to authorities.
If you pay twice, no problem. Just send us your money!”
I hope they get bombarded with queries.
But fixing it may make things worse.
Bureaucrats with their donut-break interrupted.
You can always tell these people.
They roar by you on the expressway at 80-90 mph, so they can be first at the water-cooler.

• My wife of 42+ years is “Linda.”
• I had a stroke October 26, 1993, and it slightly compromised my speech. (Difficulty putting words together.)
• The “mighty Mezz” is the Canandaigua Daily-Messenger newspaper, from where I retired over four years ago. Best job I ever had. (“Canandaigua” [“cannon-DAY-gwuh”] is a small city nearby where we live in Western NY. The city is also within a rural town called “Canandaigua.” The name is Indian, and means “Chosen Spot.” —It’s about 15 miles away.)
• “Green Thumb” was a weekly column by gardiner Doc Abraham and his wife of nearby Naples ('NAY-pullz”), NY. We live in the small rural town of West Bloomfield in Western NY, southeast of Rochester. Naples is south of where we live. “Green Thumb” ran nationwide, but was close to the Messenger. Naples is at the south end of Canandaigua lake.