Report regarding trip to the Canandaigua YMCA

—1) More plasma follies:
I’m on the fancy-dan new exercise gizmo, a sort of semi-elliptical; which a staff-lady says replicates running in sand.
You can simulate climbing steps, or lengthen your stride.
“All I know is this thing gets my heart-rate up higher than any other machine,” I say. (When I started it got it up to 126 — the target heart-rate for somebody my age. Now that I’ve done it a few times, it gets me up to maybe 115.)
An ad comes on the plasma-baby the machine faces — it’s tuned to the weather-channel.
Some drug has been pulled because of bad side-effects. “If you have suffered any of the following: stroke, heart-attack, death; please contact our attorneys now.”
HMMMMMMMNNNNNNNN.......

—2) Not a Dubya-sticker:
I’m in the left-turn lane off the main drag through Canandaigua to access North Road, to go to the Canandaigua Tops.
It’s a dedicated left-turn lane, marked with an arrow.
The arrow comes on, but Mr. Dubya-supporter is madly dashing into the intersection from the other side in his silver Nissan.
He stops, seeing no one else beside him is running the red-light.
He gives me the finger as I go around.
Sorry chillen; I’m looking at his front. If there’s a Dubya-sticker it’s on the back.
But obviously a Git-R-Dun engineer.
The fact I was using the left-turn arrow shows how reprehensible and utterly stupid I am.

—3) MONSTROUS learning-curve on the dreaded U-Scans:
“Welcome to Tops. If you have a Tops valued-customer card, please scan it now.”
“Welcome Tops favored-customer! Please start scanning your order now!”
“BIP!”
“Please deposit your scanned item in the bag.”
I got lots more to scan, so I attempt to scan more items.
No “BIP!” Just “Please deposit your scanned item in the bag.”
Okay, try the other juice; I got two, the first one worked, so we’ll scan it again.
“BIP!”
“Please deposit your scanned item in the bag.”
The first Ben & Fat Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream scans, but not the second.
Okay, I got four, so try them all, and even the first doesn’t scan again.
“Please deposit your scanned item in the bag.”
The screen goes into a sub-total mode, then “Please deposit your scanned item back in the bag.”
Minutes pass. This is more trouble than it’s worth.
I look at the “Please deposit your scanned item back in the bag” screen for about five minutes, sorely tempted to try another U-Scan.
Finally the harried 60-ish lady clerking the U-Scans walks by, and I say “I seem to be in some kind of abyss. I been lookin’ at this screen for the last five minutes.”
Burp — she hits a reset button and “Are ya done? If so, please select method of payment.”
(The items scan if ya get ‘em in the sweet spot. The four Ben & Fat Jerries scanned.)

“Plasma-babies” are what my loudmouthed macho brother-in-Boston calls all high-definition wide/flat-screen TVs. Other technologies beside plasma are available, but he calls them all “plasma-babies.”

“Dubya-sticker” is a Bush-Cheney 2004 bumper-sticker. All insane traffic-moves seem to involve Bush-supporters. They seem to think they have the right.

“Ben & Fat Jerry” is Ben & Jerry®.