More U-Scan follies

(FROM THE VAUNTED “AIN’T TECHNOLOGY WONDERFUL” FILE..........)

I am done with my work-out at the vaunted Canandaigua YMCA (Monday, March 24, 2008).
I drive to the mighty Canandaigua Tops, to purchase our weekly allotment of Ben & Fat Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream. Tops is the onliest store to carry Ben & Fat Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream — no Weggers, no Wal*Mart, despite Wal*Mart supposedly having everything, and thereby being the greatest store in the universe.
I obtain a pint-carton of Ben & Fat Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream, the onliest thing I’m buying, and head for the dreaded U-Scan terminals.
“Welcome to Tops. If you have a Tops valued-customer card, please scan it now.”
“Bip!” (Not as loud as Wal*Mart — I guess the machines are not aimed at Generation-Xers that had their boomboxes at full volume; but loud enough.)
“Welcome Tops favored-customer. Please start scanning your order now.”
“Bip!”
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
Um; pause.
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
I’ve done this before.
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
At this point a screen is supposed to appear that lets me continue checkout.
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
For crying out loud; now what?
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
It apparently refuses to accept that I have only one item.
“Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
Now all four U-scans are doing it: “Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag;” all separated by half a second each, so that one announcement steps on the other. (Shoppers are awe-struck and bewildered.)
Over the store PA: “Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
Out in the parking-lot: “Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
After standing quietly about a minute, and concluding we must be in some come kind of closed Microsoft loop, I hit the “ask for assistance” button.
Nothing happens but “Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
A 60-ish woman is clerking the U-Scans; and looks frantic.
I hit “cancel” but “Please deposit your scanned items in the shopping-bag.”
Suddenly the machine burps and throws up the checkout screen.
Sale completed, I depart the store with my Ben & Fat Jerry’s chocolate ice-cream.

“As it was in the beginning; ‘tis now and ever shall be. World without end; amen, amen.”

“Tops” is a grocery supermarket based in Buffalo, that has stores all over western New York. It competes with Wegmans (“Weggers”), a large supermarket-chain based in Rochester we often buy groceries at. Both have stores in Canandaigua.

“Ben & Fat Jerry” is Ben & Jerry.

My siblings all loudly insist Wal*Mart is “the greatest store in the universe,” and that “it has everything;” and excoriate me for not thinking the same. The “Bip” sound at Wal*Mart is extremely loud.

RE: “We must be in some come kind of closed Microsoft loop......” —All my siblings loudly insist I am reprehensible for not agreeing that Bill Gates is the savior of mankind.