Sorry.....

—“I seem to have unearthed a nest of crackpots.”
I’ll say that to *****, a lifeguard at Canandaigua’s YMCA swimming-pool.
*****’s mother is in my aquatic balance-training class, and I noticed her in my supermarket.
*****, who as far as I know is married, lives with her parents nearby.
“This is my husband,” her mother said — I forget his name.
“So you must be *****’s father,” I exclaimed.
“Yes, and she wasn’t easy,” he laughed. “I had an awful hard time raising her.”
I pointed to *****’s mother. “You should know I always partner with your wife in that pool.”
“Well you can have her!” he laughed.
“So how’s the nuts?” I asked. *****’s mother has a dark bruise on her forehead where a heavy jar of nuts hit her.
“One nut attracts the others,” I commented.
Her mother bopped me on the arm.
On leaving *****’s mother told me to “behave.”
“Yes mother!” I cried.
She bopped me on the arm again.
Fellow crackpots are hard to find.
A company representing my healthcare insurance left a message regarding a medical-procedure they approved. They didn’t say what it was, but left a call-back number.
“I had a hunch it was my MRI,” I said.
“And you were right,” the girl said.
Of course I was right,” I shouted. “I’m always right!
Then the hospital will call my doctor to report they couldn’t find a brain.”
How often do service-reps get to parry a crackpot? Make ‘em laugh! Get the endorphins flowing!
I told ***** that same joke the other day, and she said it was a repeat of one I told her long ago.
“Well, I guess I better lay off my jokes, since I may have blessed you before, and you’ll remember.
So are you the bastion of order and civility?” I’ll ask.
“How am I gonna make you laugh if I’m all joked out? And I love making you laugh.
My wife always told me the reason we lasted 44&1/2 years was because I made her laugh.
I got a custom-made teeshirt a while ago: ‘You’re young only once, but can be immature all your life.’
I haven’t worn it in this pool since I didn’t want you thinking I bought it just to make you laugh.
Okay, tell me this,” I said to *****. “How come ladies love laughing, yet men always pull that macho bit? They take a-fence, though none was offered.”

• I do aquatic balance training in the Canandaigua YMCA’s swimming-pool, two hours per week — plus a third hour on my own.
• My MRI will be a brain-scan.