I shoulda known

...That is, I shoulda known I might be the last one standing.
As my wife and I aged, we realized sooner-or-later one of us might be left alone.
We always presumed the last one standing would be my wife.
I’d had various health-problems over the years.
—1) in 1993 I had a stroke. It was severe at the time, but I recovered fairly well from it.
It was caused by a patent foramen ovale (“PAY-tint four-AY-min oh-VAL-eee”), an opening between the upper chambers of the heart that allows blood-flow before birth to the brain when lungs aren’t working yet.
The opening is supposed to close after birth, but mine never had.
A patent foramen ovale is fairly common. Linebacker Tedy Bruschi (“BREW-ski”) of the New England Patriots had one which also caused a stroke.
A blood-clot passes through the flaw, and then goes up to your brain.
I’m left with a few minor stroke-effects: -a) my speech is halting and difficult. Obviously my original speech-center was killed, and now something else is assembling speech, gray-matter not designed for speech. -b) my balance is somewhat compromised. It’s not bad, but I notice it, and I work on it. -c) my emotional control is somewhat degraded. This manifests itself in an increased tendency to cry. -d) my concentration is compromised. It works fine while driving, but I can’t read, something I used to do a lot.
—2) About six or seven years ago I began experiencing so-called “dizzy-spells.”
To me that wasn’t precisely what they were. It was as if my heart had stopped, so blood was no longer getting to my head.
I never actually blacked out, but the “episodes” were worrisome.
After 89 bazilyun tests a neurologist suggested they sounded like a side-effect of the calcium-blocker blood-pressure medication I was taking, so I stopped taking it.
No “episodes” since.
Furthermore, every woman in my wife’s family lasted well into their 90s.
My wife’s aunt lasted until she was 98. My wife’s mother is still alive at 97. We figured my wife would make 100; her mother might too.
My paternal grandfather lasted into his 90s, but my father died at 79, although he contracted Parkinson’s.
No one on my mother’s side made 90, so it seemed I might not either.
So we presumed my wife would outlast me.
I tried to set up for this. I tried to show my wife how I pay bills, which I do online. It was a feeble effort that went nowhere — my wife wasn’t interested.
She had paid them snail-mail when I had my stroke — which we were still probably doing at that time.
But then my wife contracted cancer. We were never told she would die, only that she might.
Her cancer was non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and is fairly treatable.
And it seemed we were always defeating it, although I suppose that was partly me wanting and expecting to defeat it.
Two years ago my wife got terrible swelling in her legs.
Her cancer was blocking blood-return from her legs.
One kidney had also become dysfunctional. Ureter-tubes were also being blocked.
She had to be hospitalized. It seemed severe, but we beat that back.
Chemo just about vaporized the cancerous tumors, but they returned.
We had run out of treatment options. The only one that worked was the most toxic, the one that causes hair-loss. We couldn’t use it any more for fear of causing heart-damage.
We had one treatment option left, a hyper-expensive chemo pill. But that so lowered her immunity we had to stop.
She had to be referred to hospice, but we had beat back her cancer so many times I thought I would eventually be taking her home.
It was the old waazoo, not expecting to be the last one standing.
She lasted only one day at hospice.
Then suddenly she was gone.
It wasn’t what I expected — to be left alone.
An outcome for which I was totally unprepared emotionally.
I was devastated and terrified.
I’m still heartbroken, but probably not as terrified as at first.

• My beloved wife of over 44 years died of cancer April 17th, 2012. At the time she was 68. I miss her dearly.