Ascending Heavenward

The open rear-hatch of a Buick Enclave.

Ever notice how the power rear hatches of vehicles like the Buick Enclave, Chevy Traverse and Toyota Sienna open ever-so-slowly?
WXXI, the classical-music radio-station out of Rochester I listen to, has a Sunday-morning program of religious music. The announcer said something about Christ ascending slowly into Heaven from a mountain-top in front of some of his disciples.
The image of an Enclave power rear-hatch slowly opening wafted into my head.
I’ve seen it, of course. Granny crosses the parking-lot at the supermarket with a large cart of loaded plastic grocery-bags.
She takes out her radio-key, and activates the power rear-hatch of her Enclave.
It slowly opens.
You have to time this properly.
You activated the power-hatch at least 50 feet before getting to your car, lest the hatch bop you in the head.
I can imagine engineers wringing their hands over getting the opening-speed right.
The giant rear hatch of an Enclave can’t just spring open.
I’ve also seen Granny steer her loaded cart toward her Chevy Cruze, and activate the power trunklid.
It exploded open — BAM — a mere nanosecond.
Which I guess is okay for a car-trunk, but not the rear hatch of an Enclave.
My Toyota Sienna van has keyless-entry, but I don’t use it because it’s an additional fob on my keychain. If it was a radio-key I’d use it.
That radio-fob doesn’t open the rear hatch, which is not powered. But it activates the right sliding-door, which is powered, but only the right side.
It also locks and unlocks the doors, and activates the horn.
But I don’t use it; it’s an additional fob.
The van is 2005. I’m sure by now Toyota is using radio-keys.
My Honda CR-V is 2003, and as a cheaper model has no keyless entry.
My van is also a cheaper model, so lacks an alarm-system.
Probably my next car will have an alarm-system, especially if it’s “pre-owned” (don’cha mean “used?”).
I’ve been loathe to use auto alarm-systems. Every time I’m in the supermarket parking-lot I hear a car feebly bleating its horn — as if some ne’er-do-well were fixing to steal it.
A while ago I watched a girl in the parking-lot lose her composure and start crying, because her car was beeping — and she couldn’t stop it.
I go to get in my car, and suddenly a car 20 feet away blasts its horn at me.
But that’s the image. The powered rear-hatch of a Buick Enclave slowly yawning open, ascending Heavenward.

• My beloved wife of over 44 years died almost 10 months ago, and I still have the two cars we had: a 2005 Toyota Sienna van, and a 2003 Honda CR-V sport-utility.