Dem changes

Over nine months have passed since my wife died.
My mind knows her ashes are under her father’s sugar-maple on our property.
But I still don’t feel like she’s gone forever.
I’m told this is quite common among bereaved people.
I keep feeling she’ll return some day, and if that were to happen I’d have explaining to do.
—1) “How come the hair-dryer cord is now wrapped in a rubber-band? It never was before.”
“Because the cord began unraveling,” I’d say. “It didn’t before, but now it does. I have to wrap it in a rubber-band to keep it from unraveling all over the floor.”
—2) “How come the Igloo dog-house is no longer in the kennel?”
“So I could mow that kennel with the zero-turn mower.
In fact, I now mow that entire immediate backyard with the zero-turn, what once was verboten, because mowing it with the trimming-mower took 10 times longer. You’re no longer around to do it for me, and damage by that giant zero-turn is hardly noticeable.
I couldn’t afford an hour-and-a-half when I could mow it in 10 minutes with the zero-turn. Pulling out the doghouse made mowing the kennel with the zero-turn possible.
With the zero-turn I just sit. That trimming-mower has to be pushed, and it’s only 20-inch cut, not 48 inches like the zero-turn. —That’s five, maybe six mowing swaths, instead of just two.” (The kennel is about 56 inches wide.)
—3) “I notice you’ve retired that lo-flow toilet in the master bathroom from number-two duty.”
“That’s because I got tired of plunging it every time I used it.”
—4) “I notice you’ve marked the range-hood insulating-panels ‘right’ and ‘left.’”
“That’s because the left panel was hesitant to fit in the right opening, yet fit fine in the left opening.
Plus the right panel fit fine in the right opening.
I got tired of always experimenting to find what fit the left opening, so I marked the panels.”
There are plenty of other things I’ve instituted since my wife died.
The kitchen-floor is no longer verboten, unless it’s inordinately dirty, which I don’t let happen.
If something falls on the kitchen-floor, it’s no longer immediately in the dishwasher, toxic until washed.
My wife would probably wonder about the vegetable-pans I’ve only rinsed out and left to dry in the sink-drainer.
“I’m still alive,” I’d say. “Those pans only go in the dishwasher if they were licked out by the dog, and if they don’t fit -a) they sit until they do (hopefully the next day), or -b) if I need ‘em I wash ‘em out with hot-water and dish-soap.
Sheets and towels go unlaundered for more than a week (Gasp!), unless the towels got dirty in food-processing; in which case they get laundered with colored clothing (about once per week).
Food-containers often only get rinsed out. They look clean enough, and I’m still alive. Often containers are “top-rack dishwasher-safe.”
There are other shortcuts I’ve made I’m sure wouldn’t pass muster. But I do make the bed. —I couldn’t stand that bed being unmade.
But I allow my dog on it once finished, and I allow the dog to sleep with me. I don’t think my wife would allow either, but I figure I owe that to my dog when her master is still a wreck.
The house hasn’t burned down yet, and I’m still erect and fully clothed. People tell me I’m doing wonderful; I guess some bereaved people fall apart.
I’m doing wonderful, but I still feel awful. I cry a lot.

• My beloved wife of over 44 years died of cancer April 17th, 2012. I miss her dearly.
• My “zero-turn” is my 48-inch riding-mower; “zero-turn” because it’s a special design with separate drives to each drive-wheel, so it can be spun on a dime. “Zero-turns” are becoming the norm, because they cut mowing time in half compared to a lawn-tractor, which has to be set up for each mowing-pass. —It weighs about 700 pounds.
• RE: “Lo-flow toilet in the master bathroom.....” —The lo-flow replaced a toilet that became defective. Two other toilets remain, and they aren’t “lo-flow.”
• RE: “Range-hood insulating-panels....” —My wife made fabric-covered cardboard panels to fit the stove range-hood ventilation-openings. Otherwise, cold air comes down into the kitchen. The panels have to be installed.