The dreaded “How ya doin’?” question

“Hi! How ya doin’?” asked the guy in the Optical Department at the Eye-Care Center yesterday (Thursday, August 23rd, 2012) in Canandaigua.
“Honestly?” I asked. “Or the socially responsible answer?”
“Honestly,” he said.
“Terrible,” I said.
“And why is that?” he asked.
“Well, my wife died,” I said.
“Oh, sorry,” he said, as if to say “sorry I asked.”
I get this everywhere. “How ya doin’?” is the standard social greeting.
My dental hygienist asked the same thing a few weeks ago, and then was flummoxed when I told her my wife died.
I can’t lie. Usually I can play along, but it makes me feel funny.
Quite simply I feel awful since my wife died. Far more devastated and heartbroken than I expected.
Also lonely and scared.
This grief being so powerful, I can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist.
People ask how I am doing, and I can’t say “fine” when I don’t feel fine.
The socially responsible answer is “fine,” not “muddling along,” the response I usually give.
And of course I’m not being fair to the asker, who’s just following the social rules.
But to say I’m fine when I’m not is dishonest.

• My beloved wife of 44 years died of cancer April 17, 2012. She was 68. I miss her dearly.