Bah-dah-BOOM!

—1) My wife is watching a DVD on appliqué quilting she got.
She’s watching it on her computer in the other room.
“At this point, you might wanna cut off your dog-ears,” the announcer says.
“I ain’t doin’ any such thing!” I snap. “I ain’t about to cut off my dog’s ears.”
—2) The other night (Thursday, January 28, 2010), the ABC TV-news did a report on ABBA-World.
“Who’s ABBA?” my wife asked. “Never heard of ‘em.”
“Some English rock-group,” I say. “They were always collaborating with a group called ‘Caddabra.’”
—3) Years ago, at the mighty Mezz, a coworker explained how he was a student at St. Mary’s Catholic School when it burned down.
“Oh well, bad habits,” I said.
He about threw up.
“Now-now,” I said; “we’ll have nun of that.”
—4) “If I ever run into that colon-lady, I’ll smack her,” I say.
“What I’ll probably do is tell my colon joke.”
Which is......
“Former president Reagan had part of his colon removed, leaving him with — are ya ready — a semicolon.”
—5) A few years ago, another coworker at the Messenger was telling someone on the telephone she worked under the plaque-wall; the wall the Messenger hangs all its many award plaques.
“Plaque?” I shouted. “Somebody say plaque?
There is no plaque in the Dental Hall of Fame.”
She had to hang up; uncontrollable giggling.
That’s an old Bob & Ray joke.
—6) Editors at this newspaper were discussing the herb of the month.
“I had an uncle Herb once,” I said.
—7) One minor side-effect of this medication is death,” I commented.
“In case of death, contact your physician immediately.”
My friend Dave Wheeler, an editor at the Messenger, picked right up on it.
“If death last longer than four hours,” he said; “seek medical help.”
—8) Every once in a while Garrison Keillor reads a poem published by BOA Editions.
He’s reading the poem on his daily “Writer’s Almanac” on WXXI.
“BOA Editions,” I say. “Publisher of the famous Constrictor Papers.”

• My wife of 42 years is “Linda.” Like me she’s retired.
• The “mighty Mezz” is the Canandaigua Daily-Messenger newspaper, from where I retired four years ago. Best job I ever had. (“Canandaigua” [“cannon-DAY-gwuh”] is a small city nearby where we live in Western NY. The city is also within a rural town called “Canandaigua.” The name is Indian, and means “Chosen Spot.” —It’s about 15 miles away.)
• “St. Mary’s Catholic School” was an elementary school in Canandaigua, affiliated with the Catholic Church. It was next to St. Mary’s Catholic Church.
• “The colon-lady” is an advertising shill we see on TV, a pro-biotic.
• We listen to WXXI-FM, 91.5, the classical-music radio-station in Rochester, publicly supported.