“I got a live one here!”

“So what’s ‘4-F’?” asked the Zappos service-rep.
Ever since my wife died, I’ve gotten my footwear online from Zappos, which is based in Las Vegas.
Mainly my running shoes, although I stopped running when my wife died. She’d take our dog.
Zappos probably wants twice the price for running shoes, but saves me the time needed to research maybe a 40-dollar saving.
“‘4-F’ was my draft classification,” I said. “‘4-F’ wasn’t draftable. It indicated a medical condition that made me unsuitable for military service, in my case a duodenal ulcer.”
“So what was ‘the draft’?” she asked.
“During the Vietnam War, a military draft was in effect requiring service. Military wasn’t volunteer.
College was a deferment, but after I graduated I was draftable.”
“So what were the other classifications?” she asked.
“No idea,” I said. “I think ‘1-A’ was draftable, ‘2’ and ‘3’ I have no idea; that was 50 years ago.
What does any of this have to do with a shoe-return?” I asked.
“I’ve learned all kinds of things as a service-rep.”
“Useless facts,” I said.
“But interesting,” she said.
What prompted this was my Asics running shoes were manufactured in Vietnam, “once our enemy,” I commented.
“You should also know yer talking to a stroke-survivor,” I said. “It’s why my speech is a little wonky.”
“I don’t hear anything,” she said.
“Of course not,” I said; “but my brothers do. They heard the before.
It’s called ‘aphasia’,” I said. “Google it.”
“How do you spell it?”
“A-P-H-A-S-I-A.”
“Aphasia is impairment of language, affecting the production or comprehension of speech and the ability to read or write. Aphasia is always due to injury to the brain — most commonly from a stroke.” —She had already Googled the same site I use.
“It can be so bad the stroke-victim can’t speak at all. In my case it’s slight.
Again, what does any of this have to do with a shoe-return? We’ve blown at least 20 minutes so far.”
“Interesting,” she said.
Her name was ******, at Zappos in Las Vegas.
“Where that horrible massacre occurred?” I commented.
“Supposedly The Donald was gonna end all this, but ‘thoughts-and-prayers’.”
“And now they’re using rental trucks,” she added.
On-and-on it went. Neither of us would shut up.
So Zappos can allow ****** to waste time jawing with a customer?
Is that worth 40 extra smackaroos for a pair of sneakers?
Ever tried tech-support at Microsoft?
“We’re deeply, deeply sorry” from wannabees in Indonesia with no technical savvy whatsoever, and little command of English.
“Next,” they say.
A while ago I tried to solve some ‘pyooter hairball by calling Adobe. Their techie suggested I purchase a Photoshop upgrade.
I go to tech-support and get a salesman.
After 70+ years I’ve learned to just say it. I don’t always get a ******, but often I do. And they seem to love it.
“I got a live one here! Speaker-phone for this dude!”

• My beloved wife of over 44 years died of cancer April 17th, 2012. I miss her immensely. Best friend I ever had, and after my childhood I sure needed one. She actually liked me.
• I had a stroke October 26th, 1993, from which I pretty much recovered. Just tiny detriments; I can pass for never having had a stroke. It slightly compromised my speech. (Difficulty finding and putting words together.)