Disco era

While gathering trash the other night (Monday, September 19, 2011) I stumbled upon a 1994 car-calendar I had never thrown out.
It was probably a Christmas-gift I saved but never used.
It was probably picked up last minute at the supermarket calendar-bin: “Oh, Uncle Bob will like this.”
Just like I liked those railroad calendars of turn-of-the-century steam-locomotives.
They were “awesome” to the calendar-buyer, but not me.
The calendar was titled “Hot Cars,” and had some of the most laughable cars I had ever seen.
....For example, the one above, a 25th Anniversary Lamborghini Countach (I think it’s “koon-TAHSH;” as in “ah.” And it’s “lam-bore-GEE-nee;” as in “get”).
Lamborghini is an Italian car-maker that went into business because its head-honcho couldn’t get Ferrari to -a) fix a car he had already bought, or -b) sell him a car.
—I forget; WHATEVER!
Lamborghinis were meant to compete with Ferrari, so were megabuck exotics that perform extraordinarily.
They use fairly large 12-cylinder engines of great horsepower, in the Countach mid-mounted like a racecar.
The Countach was so outrageous it didn’t appeal to me.
All wings and scoops and outrageous appendages.
And low enough to scrape getting in your driveway.
I can hardly imagine chasing trains in such a thing.
For that I need ground-clearance for rocky dirt-tracks.
Most laughable about this car is the front bumper, probably required to sell it in this nation.
It looks like an add-on, a protest of the bumper-rule.
It hardly agrees with the sweeping lines of the car.
It looks Tinker-Toy.
And it’s hardly aerodynamic.
To show up at some glitzy gig with that silly bumper would be embarrassing.
“Well yes, a Countach, but about that bumper.....”
It looks like Coney Island.
This calendar is cheaply done.
One car, from different angles, was the entry for two different months.
The cars had often been brought into studios, and posed in front of unnatural backdrops.
Like the two different entries in front of fake lightning (same background each time).
At least the Countachs were three different cars, although the calendar seemed overloaded with Countachs.
I consider cars of this time to be disco era.
Take Ferrari, for example.
What we have here is a ’92 Testa Rosa.
It has the name of a famous Ferrari racecar from the ‘50s, more a road car, but powerful and light.
Its front-end is squashed flat as cars were back at that time.
Its lines are similar.
Ferrari also blessed it with a giant side-scoop, loaded with fins.
The car’s engine is mid-mounted; it probably needed that scoop.
Imagine 150 mph in this car, its front-end hunting madly despite that air-dam.
Or power-sliding it around a road-course on a track-day.
That’s all it would be, a megabuck piece for profiling.
I used to want a Ferrari, but my tastes have changed.
I need a car -a) to start, -b) run reliably in traffic-jams, and -c) not get stuck in the snow.
I suppose they’re the requirements of my Grandmother, who thought my Grandfather’s penchant for Packards was silly.
“Is it a Chevrolet?” she’d always ask.
My father reflected her taste in cars; they were just an appliance, so he never took care of them.
For that last requirement I need All-Wheel-Drive. (This Testa-Rosa was not All-Wheel-Drive.)
Where does one stretch out the potential this car has?
(Stuck in traffic twiddling stereo-knobs.)
Stretch it out and you’re cop-bait.
And recent Ferraris look much better.
A local supermarket CEO, who’s a car-freak, had one; I think his was ’89.
He never drove it much — probably drove a Honda Accord as his daily driver.
I think he traded it for a more recent Ferrari; no great loss.
Another so-called “Hot Car” is a 1993 Corvette.
That’s the C-4 model, what I call the disco ‘Vettes.
(Corvette-fans go by model number. There have been six versions so far; we are currently on C-6. Each version is pretty much the same throughout a production run; although the first [C-1] vary somewhat by year.)
The C-4 was a major improvement on the hoary old C-3, which lasted many years, 1968 through 1982. And the C-3 was essentially the C-2 chassis, which began production in the 1963 model-year.
But the C-4, like the other “Hot Cars,” suffers from disco looks, incredibly squashed flat.
I consider the C-4 Corvettes the worst looking, although the C-5s are almost as bad. A friend suggests the C-5 looks like a large plastic shampoo bottle.
They’re almost bloated.
I’ve only seen one good-looking C-4; a guy in the Canandaigua YMCA owns it.
It’s a blue roadster with a double red stripe.
I think it’s a ZR-1, a high-performance version.
It looks good enough for me to photograph, if I ever get the chance.
The car in this calendar looks as bad as I think C-4 Corvettes are.
Although it’s better than a C-3. The C-3s were when Corvette lost its way. Larded up with auto-tranny and air-conditioning. Not so much a performance car as a Detroit sedan made impractical.
Again, where do I stretch it out?
And above all, where do I put my dog?
Most disgusting is that trim-detail behind the front wheel.
Too detailed, a trait of disco cars — and probably not even functional.

1989.

1958.

Most disgusting in this calendar is the ’89 Porsche (“poor-SHA”) Speedster.
Sorry guys, but it’s the hoary old 911 introduced in this nation in 1965.
A 911 with the top chopped off to make it a so-called “Speedster.”
But not the Speedster of old, a really great car based on the 356 Porsche coupe — a bit off-the-wall, like the Volkswagen Bug in concept, but powerful and above all light.
Porsche dickered with that 911 for years.
Improving it, but it was still a 911.
.....Attractive as a 2+2 GT car, but still an old design.
Add-ons were made to improve the car’s aerodynamics.
But they were add-ons to an old design, and some looked silly.
Fender-flares were added to accommodate wider tires.
Silk purse out of a sow’s ear!
What Porsche needed was a new car, and finally the hoary old 911 was replaced; but that was about 1994 (not ’89).
But it was still based on the 911, but a newer-looking body, with more modern headlights.
And it still looks like the 911, plus, like the 911, its engine is still out behind the rear wheels.
Although the engine is no longer air-cooled. Porsche went to water-cooling in 1998.
Putting the engine out back is putting it in the wrong location.
You can do all sorts of tricks to offset that engine-location, but putting it behind the rear wheels unbalances the car.

Boxter.

Porsche also introduced another car, the Boxter, that puts the engine where it belongs, in the middle behind the driver, yet in front of the rear wheels.
This is current racecar practice, that is Indy-car not NASCAR.
NASCAR is like racing taxicabs; ancient technology.
They call ‘em “Stock-Cars,” but they’re hardly stock.
“Uncle Bob will like this.”
Well, sorta.
Except I’ve moved beyond “Hot Cars” to practical cars.
And that ’89 Porsche Speedster is a joke.
More interesting might be a Porsche Boxter, developed as much as the 911, but -a) way overpriced, -b) where do I stretch out the car? -c) where do I put my dog? and -d) can I drive it in Winter?
I also need a car with automatic transmission; my wife can’t master stick shift.
I doubt the Boxter has automatic transmission available, and if it does it probably has complications my wife couldn’t handle.
She needs to just push the gas-pedal.
I, on the other hand, can operate stick shift.
For that I have a motorcycle that could probably cream everything in this calendar, except maybe the Countachs.

• “Uncle Bob” is me, “BobbaLew.”
• I am a railfan, and have been since age-two (I’m 67). I was fortunate to experience steam-locomotives in regular revenue service.
• I work out in the Canandaigua YMCA Exercise-Gym, appropriately named the “Wellness-Center,” usually three days per week, about two-three hours per visit. (“Canandaigua” [“cannan-DAY-gwuh”] is a small city to the east nearby where we live in Western NY. The city is also within a rural town called “Canandaigua.” The name is Indian, and means “Chosen Spot.” It’s about 14 miles away. —We live in the small rural town of West Bloomfield in Western NY, southeast of Rochester.
• “Tranny” is transmission.