First time in 15 years

Seventh Annual Crosswinds 5K; about 39:10.

50 pounds overweight, 64 years old, had a stroke, bog-slow, but made it.
No stops.
Crosswinds is a church, what passes for a tub-thumping mega-church in Canandaigua; about 1,500-2,000 (not 15,000) arm-waving, tearful members; all honkies, except for the token blacks.
There was a giant carpeted auditorium — not a dance-hall (or was it). It had a stage with an ebony baby-grand and a black Yamaha drum-set.
And a giant sound-equalizer panel in the back.
Plus a gigantic dark-windowed control-room overlooking the entire vast sweeping arena.
Is this what zealot religion has become?
I threaded a long glistening hallway past daycare and the youth “Box.” (???????????)
“We love K-12,” a large sign trumpeted.
“That guy never had a snowball’s chance in Hell,” I overheard.
Never heard talk like that at Immanual — ECBC either.
I stepped into the giant auditorium to pick up my registration.
“Boom-chicka; boom-chicka; boom-chicka!”
“Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous,” some bloated Granny screamed from a booth in the corridor. “Your perm tells me ya need help!”
Giant wall-mounted TV-screens, about 10 feet by 15, were up on the walls above the stage.
Over-and-over: Trombley Tires, J.J. Wolfe Insurance Agency, John Schuppenhauer, Attorney; followed by Canandaigua Braves and “Thank you for participating in the Crosswinds 5K.”
(Canandaigua’s high-school is Canandaigua Academy; and its sports-teams are the “Braves” — which got them in trouble with the local native-American community.)
A lady was hunched over her laptop — a God-fearing PC of course. Jesus used a PC. I’m told the King James Version was entirely done on a PC, not some “silly MAC.”
I noticed my Houghton tee-shirt was next up for wearing.
“NOTHING DOING,” I said. “I ain’t wearin’ that thing to Crosswinds.”
“That’s all I need. Get accosted by some babbling zealot.”
“Oh, you went to Houghton?” they’d ask. “That must mean you’re one of us, to get snatched up in the Rapture.”
“How come you’re still here?” I’d ask.
I stepped outside into an adjacent parking-lot.
“SCREECH; ba-BOOM; ROAR,” on the P-A.
Sounded like Howard Stern, I thought, but it could be Christian-Rock.
When I was a kid, rock was of-the-devil.
We racers gravitated onto the highway, and milled around.
Finally a shrill police-whistle blasted; “I guess that’s it,” someone said.
We all began running.
It took about 10 seconds to cross the start-line. Not too bad; once at the Lilac 10K it took over a minute; that was 5,000 runners — Crosswinds about 300.
I felt awful — slower than at Boughton Park. First mile 12:12; which is dreadful — I used to run a mile in about 6:30.
I was running with all the cripples and layabouts. Passed a few, but only because I kept going.
(I passed and repassed a guy that ran like Jack, although probably better. He looked tike a pig-out menu graduate. Passed me at a good clip, and then stalled and walked for a while. —Better than Jack because: -a) he wasn’t as heavy, and -b) not full of ankle-pins.
I finally passed him for good.)
People were at each corner, and the road-crossings. “Lookin’ good,” they’d shout. Clap-clap-clap. “Not much further.”
The last mile had a long uphill; haven’t done a Christian race that didn’t have a killer hill in it. (“We are climbing Jacob’s Ladder......”)
Our toughest race was at Houghton in the ‘80s; a 10K.
We drove there in the GTI, which was ‘83.
The Houghton campus is on a level area about 70 feet above the floor of the Genesee valley.
The race-start was at the old athletic-field, which is another 50 feet above the campus.
So down to the valley-floor we raced; then back up the west side of the Genesee valley.
Up and up we went; at least two-three miles of constant uphill.
It was so horrible I had to stop. —Crosswinds was a hill but no stop; much shorter.
Then at Houghton we turned north cross-country, and straight down the center of the grassy runway of the Houghton International Airport.
All I could think was “I sure hope that guy isn’t on short-final with his Apache.”
Then back down to the campus, threading the neighborhoods where all the faculty lived.
We were cheered on by old Coach Wells; who was retired by then, and probably now dead.
Finally back to the old athletic-field, to finish on the old quarter-mile track.
Some googley-eyed zealot nerd tried to trip me as I began passing — I’ve never had that happen in another race; and I’ve ran plenty. Ya don’t do that to The Keed; no matter how superior and Godly ya are.
I brushed him aside and passed — beat the zealot — he was doin’ a Bellachukka move, or The Crybaby Little Twerp.

I had a stroke October 26, 1993.

RE: “zealot religion......” —All my siblings are tub-thumping born-again Christians, and since I’m not, I’m reprehensible.

“Immanual” Baptist Church was our family’s church in Wilmington, Del., when I was a teenager. “ECBC” is Erlton Community Baptist Church, in Erlton, N.J., where we lived before Wilmington. Our family attended there when I was a child; and my father helped found it. The word “Hell” was profanity in both churches, and verboten. —Both churches were zealous.

RE: “Your perm tells me ya need help!” —My blowhard brother-in-Boston, the macho ad-hominem king, who badmouths everything I do or say, noisily claims I have the wrong haircut, because I have a permanent (“perm”) instead of a proper $5 chop-job from HairCrafters.

RE: “some ‘silly MAC........’” —All my siblings use PCs (Windows Personal-Computers), but since I use a MAC, I’m reprehensible.

“Houghton” is Houghton College in western New York, from where I graduated with a BA in 1966. I’ve never regretted it, although I didn’t graduate with their approval. Houghton is a religious liberal-arts college. —I have a Houghton tee-shirt. Houghton is in the Genesee river-valley.

“The Rapture” is the Second-Coming of Christ; when all Christians are snatched up into Heaven.

RE: “Christian-rock.......” —I am loudly excoriated because I can’t make sense of Christian-rock. To me that’s an oxymoron. Rock-n-Roll music was sinful when I was a child. Now it’s “Shake your booty for Jesus!”

The “Lilac 10K” is a popular 10K footrace held every year in Rochester as a part of the Lilac Festival. 10K is 6.2 miles (5K is 3.1).

Nearby Boughton (“BOW-tin” as in “OW”) Park is where I run and we walk our dog.

“Jack” is my all-knowing, blowhard brother-in-Boston. He eats too much, and weighs over 250 pounds; and noisily claims I should eat like him. He broke his ankles once, and they were repaired with steel pins.

We had a 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit “GTI;” a hot-rod.

RE: “Old athletic-field......” —Houghton now has a new athletic facility, north of the campus. The “old athletic-field” has been semi-retired.

RE: “I sure hope that guy isn’t on short-final with his Apache......” —When I was at Houghton in the early ‘60s, a guy delivered his daughter to college in his twin-engine Piper Apache. “Short-final” is the landing approach near the airstrip. Houghton only had a single grass-strip, but we called it the “Houghton International Airport.”

“Coach Wells” was the Athletic-Director at Houghton when I was there. All persons in the Athletic Department were called “Coach.”

“The Keed” is me.

“Bellachukka” is Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots football team, who’s been accused of cheating. The “Little Twerp” is Jeff Gordon of NASCAR. My blowhard brother-in-Boston calls him that, and also calls him a “crybaby.”