Toxin-free

I’m at the vaunted Canandaigua YMCA the other day (Monday, June 30, 2008), quietly pumping the sand trainer.
These things are very hard to get, and everyone knows they are the best trainer — they get my heart-rate higher than anything else.
But there are only two, and right now one is on the blink.
The northmost one was outta commission not too long ago, and now it’s the southmost.
“I think we need a new one,” says Nadine, head-honcho of the Wellness Center. “I’m leery of just fixing it. They’re guaranteed.”
They lasted less than a year, and now even more are using them.
An ad comes on the Weather-Channel plasma-baby: “Operators are standing by. Call the toll-free number on your screen. Only $19.95 for a full two-week supply. Have your Visa or MasterCard ready.”
What they are are adhesive pads for your feet, that supposedly draw toxins out of your body.
The fact the whole process has an oriental name lends credence, of course. But I forget what the name is. (Chinese magic; fortified with lead.)
Apply pads to your feet at bedtime, peel off the next morning, and sure enough they’re covered with filth.
Um, like my feet weren’t dirty when I went to bed.
“I got this bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in. —We need all your account information. Our operators are standing by.”
Fame-hungry people are paraded to trumpet the wonders of these pads.
“I’m on TV, Martha! My life has been turned around because of these pads. I’m toxin-free,” she beams.
The owner of the Physical-Therapy I was kicked out of was an advocate of toxin removal.
But it wasn’t some silly gimcrack.
It was a toxin-free diet that allowed toxins to flush out of your system.
She was also selling supplements: eye of newt, ear of pig. Not investigated by the FDA.
She used to say Mountain-Dew was the most toxic food of all. —That Cheetos were dreadful, and even the Arby’s Pig-Out Menu was questionable.

The “sand trainer” is a semi-elliptical cardiovascular exercise machine; called a sand trainer because it mimics running in sand.

The YMCA “Wellness Center” is its exercise-gym.

“Plasma-babies” are what my loudmouthed macho brother-in-Boston calls all high-definition wide/flat-screen TVs. Other technologies beside plasma are available, but he calls them all “plasma-babies.” The Canandaigua YMCA has three, all wall-mounted. One is permanently tuned to the Weather-Channel.

RE: “Physical-Therapy I was kicked out of......” —Before the YMCA I was prescribed physical-therapy, but was kicked out for revealing a patient in this blog. My take is they needed an excuse to boot me, because I was using their equipment too hard. My release seemed an overreaction for my sin.

My all-knowing, blowhard brother-in-Boston, the ad-hominem king, who noisily badmouths everything I do or say, claims Mountain-Dew and Cheetos are the breakfast of champions, and has switched to Arby’s as a less-fattening alternative to his beloved Wendy’s.