valentine

Yes, I indeed bought my wife a valentine. It cost $1,057.14, but wasn’t flowers. What it was was a new washing-machine (and dryer), something she would find much more sensible than mere flowers, which only wilt, and have to be tossed in a week or two.
A new washing-machine meant various adventures. We had no interest in driving all over to save $50. So we went directly to Sears, since they have Kenmore, essentially Whirlpool.
We went apprised of a 54”+ opening (we measured), currently occupied by our old equipment, including a 28&1/2” dryer.
All their washers are 27 inches wide. Not enough room for a new washer with our old dryer. (Their dryers are also 27”.)

The Keed.

Valentine by Kenmore.

No one makes a washer the same width as our old Maytag: 25-inches. There are a few 24-inch washers — Roper (????) for example — but none were on display.
So in essence they saw us coming and licked their lips lustily in slavering anticipation. The opportunity of a lifetime; two people who only wanna shop one store, with no regard to saving 50 smackaroos.
The salesman dipped into his pitch a few times: do they teach these guys that gibberish in sales school?
“The agitator is an engineering marvel,” he said. “It’s comprised of three parts. The bottom rotates side-to-side like a normal agitator, and the top is an augur, rotating only one way, forcing clothes down.”
“With really big loads, the top also goes up-and-down.”
“So in other words, it does the boogaloo,” I thought to myself.
“Something to go wrong,” my wife said. “All I want to do is wash clothes.”
The model we ordered also lacks computer touch-screens, and the gizmos you need to start your laundry from the Starship Enterprise across the galaxy. Just knobs and switches — 20th century technology. (I’m sorry; but I have intimate experience with 21st-century technology and how it can lock up. “Please wait while Windoze cogitates the meaning of life........ OOOOOOOOOOOHHMMMMM”)
The dryer had a magic “automatic” function that senses moisture and shuts off when dry.
It also had a timer, “but timers are notoriously inefficient. With this, you get two dries for the price of one.”
Uh, like we never set the timer to shut off when clothes are dry. Sometimes it’s 20-25 minutes; other loads need 50-60.
Then there was the delivery issue, and setup. “The next delivery-date to your zip-code is this coming Sunday.”
“But that’s the Lord’s day,” I was tempted to say.
We thought about it, and said it was okay. “We’re heathens anyway,” I said.
“Huh?” the poor salesman asked. He was utterly lost.
“You have to understand we have relatives that are born-again Christians,” my wife said. “For them, delivery on Sunday would be unconscionable.”
So the valentine is arriving tomorrow (Sunday, 2/19). Sears, and us, will burn in Hell.
Now begins the mighty deluge of how we could have saved $500 by comparing Wal*Mart to Target to Home-Depot. (Sears is west; the others are east.) —Or online and set up ourselves — sell the old equipment out on the curb. LOOKOUT!
Our old Maytag lasted over 30 years. We could probably keep driving it, but apparently water puddles in it, stands, and stinks. The gaskets also don’t last forever.